


Assigned Experiences

by Floopdeedoopdee



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-05
Packaged: 2019-03-27 01:17:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13870005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Floopdeedoopdee/pseuds/Floopdeedoopdee
Summary: Jay is kidnapped and traumatized. The question is, what really happened while he was gone and will Intelligence be able to bring him back from the darkness.  Jay whump.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own anything in regard to Chicago PD except my love for the show and it's characters. I am all about happy endings...it might not look like it but we'll get there eventually. 
> 
> Subject warning: Implied rape, PTSD, self harm, torture.

PART 1

Al’s POV

The ambulance took Jay to University Hospital even though we wanted him to go to Med. University was closer and the paramedics were worried about Jay being combative. They couldn't safely sedate him again with a head injury and if he woke up they didn't want him to go off in such a small space - on wheels. 

That's why we found ourselves in front of some random doctor giving us a rundown on Jay's condition in an unfamiliar waiting room. It's kind of sad, when you think of it, that any waiting room would be deemed 'familiar’ but I guess that’s something that comes with the job. Erin runs up the same time the doctor reaches us. She was with Burgess and Roman sitting on Flen’s shop while we were breaching his apartment. 

"Jay's going to be okay. No internal injuries. Besides the multiple contusions, he also has a good number of taser burns (?) covering his body." With this statement the doctor looks at Voight for confirmation and receives the Voight "affirmative grunt" in return. "He has a few hairline fractures to three ribs on his left side, a borderline severe concussion that will need to be monitored and a broken ankle. It's not a bad break. It won't require surgery. Just a cast and crutches for 4-6 weeks. We are going to want to keep him at the very least 24 hours to monitor the affects of the concussion and that will give us the opportunity to get some fluids in him." 

Antonio exhales an angry "Jesus." 

The doctor continues, "We still have him sedated. He started to struggle again during the CT and we had to put him out."

"When can we see him?" Which really means, 'I want to see him right now!' when Erin asks it. 

"We are waiting for a room to become available. I'll have the nurse get you when they move him." With that he makes his exit and we return to our seats. I'm sure we are all thinking the same thing; relief that Jay is okay and worry over how he reacted when we tried to free him from the cuffs. Ten minutes later we hear footsteps running down the hall. Ruzek sticks his head out and waves at, I'm assuming Will, to let him know where we are. Will and Dr. Rhodes burst through the door moments later. 

"Is he okay? What the hell happened?" Panic is written all over Will's face. He's not a doctor right now, hasn’t been one since Voight called him - he's now just a brother. Antonio speaks up. He starts with what the doctor just said and moves on to how they found Jay. 

“We had a lead on Flen, the suspect. It panned out. We were able to not only confirm who he was but where he lived and worked.”

Ruzek takes over; ”We broke the door down and found Jay was unconscious, tied to a chair, naked, except for a sheet placed over his lap. He was coming to and then started to panic as soon as we started to uncuff him. His arms were free and only one of his legs when he really lost it. You could tell he was badly injured and still sort of out of it yet he still fought all 5 of us, while his foot was still hooked to a chair. That's probably why he broke his ankle. It took all of us to subdue him enough so he wouldn't hurt himself more and he still struggled the whole time. We could barely hold him until the bus got there and paramedics could sedate him."  
Erin listens, hand over her mouth in disbelief. This is all new information to her. 

Towards the end of Ruzek’s story, Rhodes leaves the group and approaches the doctor that treated Jay. Seconds into their conversation Rhodes was getting upset. Then everyone turned their attention to Rhodes when he yelled, “Are you fucking kidding me? Why didn’t you?” Rhodes glares at the doctor as he remains silent. “It’s protocol. Do it!” Will heads down the hall to Rhodes as the University doctor leaves, looking intimidated. Rhodes says something and Will looks stunned at first. Then in one fluid motion, Will lets his head fall back and grabs it with both hands. He then drops down to a crouch, still holding his head but now he stares at the floor. Rhodes puts his hand on Will’s shoulder. Just then Will springs back up, turns on his heel and storms outside. Only stopping long enough to put his fist through a wall on the way there. Voight leaves the group, heading towards Rhodes but looking after Will. We all look on, stunned. Will is usually mild mannered and calm, even if the shit’s hitting the fan. Atwater says what we are all thinking, “what the hell?!” 

“What’s going on Rhodes. What are they keeping us?”  
“They aren’t keeping anything from you, except their stupidity, which they are only now aware of.” He hangs his head and sighs, “They didn’t do a rape kit Voight. They should have done a rape kit.” Voight stoically takes this in. A gravelly “Hmph” is the start of his reply. “They’re doing one now?” Rhodes only nods. “Good.” Then, “Voight, I need you to take Will back to Med. We’ll be there soon.” Voight nods and walks out the door after Will.

Rhodes is at the nurses station being an asshole to the Attending Physician. He turns to us when we approach him, looking exasperated and like he is barely keeping his anger in check. Before we can ask, he lead us away from the desk and back to the waiting room. He huffs and says, “They didn’t do a rape kit. They are doing one now and then we are going to transfer him to med. I need you guys to head over. Voight is on his way there with Will.” And then he just walks away into what, I am assuming, is Jay’s treatment room.

Whatever anger we were keeping a lid on when Jay was first brought in has reached it’s boiling point. All we can do is glare at each other in our shared rage at what happened to Jay and what we are afraid might have also happened. Before any of us can unleash our mutual anger in a strange ER, we head over to Med, where they will understand our rage and join us in it.


	2. Chapter 2

Antonio’s POV

Erin climbs in my car and we head over to Med in silence. Both of us wrapped up in our own thoughts. I park the car in ER parking and when I move to get out of the car, Erin grabs my arm. I look at her with an exasperated, “What?” knowing full well what is coming.

“What aren’t you saying? I saw your faces when you were telling us what happened. You were leaving something out. Spill it.”

I sigh, and take a few seconds to gather my thoughts and courage. This is going to hurt her. “Er, he didn’t know us. He looked so beat up and hurt. When we went to feel for a pulse and make sure he was alive he started to come to. Al and Ruzek were uncuffing him and he wasn’t seeing us, he was seeing someone else. Then he panicked and started to fight. He didn’t know who we were and he was fighting for his life against us. What Adam said was really the whole story but the panic and terror in his eyes was…” Shake my head. I don’t have the words. It was heartbreaking. It was…it killed me to see it. The kid’s like my little brother and to have him terrified of me; God, that’s one of those memories you hope you can forget but know you never will. I pause for a breath and rub my eyes so the tears don’t have a chance to fall. “Er, there where five of us, five, and we could barely hold him. He might be thin and wiry, but the kid’s all muscle. Jay was killing himself to get away from us and we were hurting him by trying to stop it but we had to. He had already slammed his head against the floor, the wall, all in desperation to get away from us, his friends, hell, his family. When we had him pinned down, he started to cry, saying over and over, ‘No, no, no.’ And then the paramedics arrived.”

Erin sits and takes this all it, silent tears flowing as she stares into nothing. Finally she looks at me - there are so many emotions fighting for control of her face. Finally it settles on what looks like profound sadness. She gives me a nod and gets out of the car. Before I follow her into Med, I take a second to compose myself. I don’t tell her that Voight took a computer and a stack of photos, of God knows what, from Flen’s apartment. I don’t even want that information in my head, I have too good of an imagination.

 

THE DAY BEFORE THE RESCUE

When Jay first started to wake up, before he even opened his eyes, he knew something was wrong. His thoughts were jumbled. He felt drugged. He tried to grab onto thought, a word, a sentence, anything floating aimlessly in his mind but everything seemed just out of reach. He didn't know where he was but he knew he was uncomfortable. He new that something bad had happened but he didn't know what. He was in pain, a lot of pain. He knew that much. He started to wonder if maybe he was in a car accident. He tried to remember the accident but nothing came to him. Then, bits of memories started to surface and he knew it wasn't an accident…It wasn’t an accident. He realized, he realized… no, no, I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to know. I need to stop the thoughts. Why? I’m a detective. My mind automatically goes to the ‘wanting to know’, the ‘figuring out’. But not now. Stop. Stop thinking. For some reason, I don’t want the bits coming forward from my subconscious. I can feel the panic rising up, rising to consume me. Shit. Calm down. What does that even mean? Oh God. I gasp. My chest tightens. Oh God. Breathe, no breath, can’t. breathe. The panic increases. I’m suffocating. Thoughts, stop! pain in chest, Oh God. More thoughts, hard to breathe, gasping, choking, no air, no, no, no, until finally I feel myself slipping towards darkness, towards stillness. Maybe I’ll be able to breathe there. Maybe I won’t need to breathe. Black. It was a welcome oblivion. 

 

The next time Jay woke up he was able to lock onto a clearer understanding of his situation. He knew he had been drugged, but by who and why? Save that for later. Those questions were too hard. He could feel the residual affects of the drug in his body as his mind cleared of the haze. He didn't know what was worse, having a jumbled, confused mind or becoming more and more clear of what was going on. He decided to focus on what hurt. He still couldn’t open his eyes. It just took too much effort and besides, he wasn't sure he would like what he saw. He had an excruciating headache and if there was light beyond his closed eyes, it would make his headache even worse. A good argument for being lazy and keeping his eyes closed. The injuries…He was sitting down in an uncomfortable chair and realized that his hands were tied, no, handcuffed, they were handcuffed behind his back. He could feel the hard pinching steel tight around his raw wrists. The cuffs were pulled too tight to the chair, forcing him to sit upright. His shoulders and back ached from this uncomfortable position. There was a small part of him that resisted this process…resisted trying to figure out what had happened. There was a thought knocking around his head that he didn't want to look at so he pushed it aside.

 

Injuries, focus on the injuries. The more consciousness he became the more he started to realized just how much pain he was in. He felt like he had been beaten raw. His jaw hurt and he felt like he had been hit in the eye and left side of his face a number of times. It felt like he had dry blood on the left side of his face. His eyebrow stung, it felt cut. He felt a sharper pain on the crown of his head. He must have been hit with something there also. He guessed he had bruised, possibly cracked ribs based on the pain in his chest and the bruises he saw there. His legs hurt. His ankles were raw, also cuffed to the chair and he didn't have any shoes or socks on. He was cold. Really cold. He could feel air moving across his chest, his arms and legs…across his skin…across his skin…he was naked. There was a sheet or towel, something, covering his lap and hips. But other that that he had nothing on. He squeezed his eyes shut. Refusing to open them. He shivered, making the pain in his body intensify. Why was he naked? He didn't know if he was shivering from cold, fear or revulsion but his skin was crawling. That's when he started to have another panic attack. He tried to slow his breathing. He needed to stay focused if he was going to get out of whatever situation he was in. Breathe. He almost had his panic attack under control when a single finger slid across his chest, his shoulder and down his arm. Jay felt someone move behind him, lean in and whisper, lips lightly brushing his ear, "hello lover." Jay arched his back then thrust his body to the side, tipping over the chair in the process, as he physically tried to get away from the voice. He cried out in pain as he hit the floor. 

 

The owner of the voice chuckled as he leaned over Jay and started to unlock the cuffs holding him to the chair. “Jay, Jay, Jay…the fun’s just about to start. Why would you want to leave?” Jay then felt the sharp, stinging, ache of a syringe plunging into his neck, releasing the drug into his muscle. A wave of dizziness spun out of control in his head and then all he felt was high. “Feeling good Jay,” the voice asked. Jay could only blink in what felt like slow motion. Then the chuckle came again, “Good, party time.”

 

The next time Jay came to, his mind once again started to question the situation, even through his confusion. Why he was here? Who had him? What had they done to him? It was the last thought that got his mind spiraling out of control. He started to lose his breath. His skin was crawling with the revulsion he was feeling and felt like this time he was going to throw up. He tried to push the thoughts away but they kept throwing themselves into his mind, sending him into a panic. The bits and pieces that were surfacing were too painful. He couldn’t push them away. It’s not real. None of it was real. He was in the middle of this thought when suddenly a plastic bag was thrown over his head, stealing the last breath from his lungs. He writhed against the chair, fighting for breath, cutting up his wrists and ankles even more against the steel of the cuffs holding him. Fighting for escape. And then the world went black and all anxiety left him. He felt nothing but peace. He had probably been out only seconds when he was brought back from the blackness by a crash of lightning coursing through his body. Taser. 

 

Flen POV

I watch Jay come to and smile as he immediately starts to panic. After a few moments of struggle he is finally able to calm himself and steady his breathing. I didn’t take the gag out of his mouth this time, probably making it even harder to breathe. After a moment he opens his eyes and takes in the room around him until he sees me and freezes. 

 

“Hello again Jay. I thought we would switch up our fun this morning. Just breathe. You okay?” I lean down in front of him and talk to him like he’s a child. “You ready?” He tenses up as I move the taser close to him. “Now, Jaaaaayyy, if you tense up, it’s only going to hurt more.” Again, I move the taser close to his shoulder, the fear evident in his eyes. I stand back and take him in. He’s been through the wringer. “You have really been through the wringer Jay… let’s do it again.” With that I wave the taser around again but this time I strike. It’s gratifying to see him grimace in pain, eyes closed tightly, jaw clenched, as his body shakes with the electricity. I remove the taser and his body continues to tremble as he gasps in pain and probably relief. He continues to gasp for breath as I watch. His eyes are on me. I can see the pain and confusion in them as he tries to make out the ‘why’ of this situation. I enjoy that look. I continue my fun again and again, until there is only pain in his eyes. My phone rings and I look at the caller I.D. Before I answer, I give him one more time for good measure and again he passes out.

“What.” I answer and listen to the voice on the line. “No. He’s out. I’ve been using the taser…He’s come to a couple of times and I’ll mess with him a bit, fuck with his mind and then use the K and put him out again…he won’t know if he’s coming or going…It’ll work. It’s already working…I do just enough to get him in that mindset and then with the K, he’s going to think it happened. He’s going to leave here battered, bruised and thinking he’s been raped…trust me on this…okay…ya, I’ll let you know when they ‘rescue’ him, then it’s your turn.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, hope you like this chapter. This thing is taking on a life of it's own. I would love reviews if ya got em. As usual, I don't own anything, except my love for CPD and the characters.
> 
> OMG. Season 5 finale. Oh woe, woe is me! If this let me post emoji's there would be a million of those bawling ones!
> 
> okiloveyoubyebye

Part 3

MED Waiting room

Ruzek POV

When I looked at the clock above the door, it was exactly 6 minutes later then the last time I checked. 93 minutes since Rhodes arrived with Jay from the other hospital. I don’t think I have ever been so uncomfortable, anxious, angry and sad; a real shit cocktail of emotions that make me want to puke. As I look around at the rest of the team, I can see they’re all feeling the same thing. I don’t think any of us has gone a minute without moving in some way, shape or form. We’re all too antsy. Even Al and Voight can’t sit still and that right there should tell you how fucked up this situation is. I feel my eyes gravitating to the clock again and I stop myself. Knowing how long we’ve been sitting here isn’t going to help anything. 

I can’t keep my thoughts from wandering back to when they finally brought Jay into Med. Something had happened after we left University but I don’t know what. I’m sure we’ll find out soon enough. All I know, is that Jay was unconscious, in restraints and had another cut on his face that he didn’t have before. My head goes back and forth between what happened with Flen and what happened since we left for Med. And when I wasn’t thinking about that, I was being an asshole and thinking about how “this” - the whole, “was Jay raped” thing, would effect Jay, the team, effect Jay and Erin, effect me and Jay, blah, blah, blah. I was worried about how “this” would change everything. God, I’m such an asshole. I wanted to think about something, anything so I wouldn’t have to think about what “this” really was.

We were at 127 minutes when Rhodes finally walked into the waiting room. 

“He’s going to be okay guys. Nothing has really changed from what they said at University. We did another CT scan to be sure. He does have a severe concussion but confirmation of that doesn’t really change anything. He’s going to be here a couple of days.”

We take in this information. Everyone silent, no one wanting to ask the question but everyone wanting to know the answer. Finally Voight asks what we all want to know. “What about the rape kit, Rhodes?”

“That’s where we ran into some problems. We haven’t been able to do one. Jay was still pretty out of it and became combative at University when it was suggested, hence the restraints.” He sighs, frustrated and sad about the situation. “He’s still in the ED and sedated. Will’s with him right now and Dr. Charles is standing by. They are going to talk to him together. As you all know, time is a factor, and even though it should be done as soon as possible, we still have time to work with. I’ll let you know when we have more information.”

We are all quiet, lost in our own thoughts. Voight is the first to speak and I have to tell you I have never been so grateful to hear his gruff, angry voice. “We’re all going back to the precinct and get to work on this. No arguments. Antonio, Al, I want you back at the scene. Will’s here with Jay, so he won’t be alone. I’ll let Rhodes know we’re leaving and to call us when we can see Jay.”

I have to say, and I might be continuing my streak as an asshole but I’m glad he’s having us leave. As much as I want to be here to support Jay, I just don’t know how to do that right now. I need to get my shit together.

*******

Flen’s Accomplice POV

It really was quite comical how they thought they could protect Jay Halstead from us. It just made the game more of a challenge and with a challenge, it became more fun, more creative and therefore more pain, emotional and physical, for Detective Jay Halstead. Intelligence was forcing us to stretch beyond the limits of our imagination. It made them complicit, in a way, to the trauma the young Detective was going through; which made the revenge that much sweeter. So, here I stand, taking in the form of the physically fit man, who had been reduced to a pile of physical rubble, which was oh so lovely, to be sure, but it was the mental anguish that went with it that healed their own inner wounds - wounds for which Detective Jay Halstead was to blame. 

He liked to talk with Flen about their plan and imagine the CPD’s elite Intelligence Unit’s frustration in trying to figure out who was behind the torture of the “heart” and “moral compass” of their precious unit. It was really quite enjoyable. Even if neither of them came out of this alive, they were making their last days on earth count. Revenge, sweet, sweet revenge - nothing beats that.

Now, where was he…Oh, yes…he leans over Jay, his smile growing as he studies Jay’s bruised face, a work of art, he has to admit. He feels challenged to outdo Flen’s handiwork. With an excited sigh he leans back and pulls on his gloves, never taking his eyes off Jay. Now that it’s his turn with Jay, his excitement is palpable. He grabs the injection port of the IV line and inserts the needle but doesn’t push down on the plunger - yet. 

He leans into Jay again and gives his cheek a few light slaps and waits. It takes a moment before Jay’s eyes start to flutter and finally open. He blinks trying to focus and is confused, then afraid, when he is finally able to see the stranger leaning over him. He opens his mouth to call out when a hand is slapped over it. “No talking, Jay Halstead.” The stranger smiles, “Do you remember me?” Jay’s eyes don’t leave the strange face above him. “Probably not. That’s okay. It’s not necessary for our fun.” Jay tries to struggle and get away but in his weakened state and pain riddled body he can barely move. This causes his assailant to laugh. “You ready?” Jay’s eyes widen in fear as the guy leans down, smiles and bites Jay’s neck just as he pushes the plunger. He stays in that position until he feels Jay’s struggling body weaken and slip into unconsciousness. He stands up and looks at Jay, then takes a peak out the door, it’s clear. He takes in the room then gets to work arranging the scene. 

He starts by punching Jay in the ribs, hearing a satisfying “crack” at the impact. The lack of struggle is surprisingly gratifying. “How’d that feel asshole?” He continues by punching Jay a couple times in the face, opening up the cut above his eyebrow. The blood starts to drip down Jay’s face as the assailant picks up the pace arranging the scene. He quickly cuts off Jay’s T-shirt, exposing the taser burns and bruising on his chest, and discards it on the floor. He cuts the bandages off Jay’s damaged wrists and uses the oxygen tubing coiled above Jay’s bed to tie them together, then above his head. He flings the covers off so they are barely hanging on the bed. He looks at Jay again, so far so good. He is humming under his breath as he unties the draw string of the blue scrubs that jay is wearing and pulls the waist open as loose as it will go. He tugs the scrubs down a couple of inches so they sit low on his hips. Then as an after thought, takes his knife and cuts the waist band of the scrubs over his left hip, drawing blood as he does. He likes this accidental injury, even more so when he sees how much it is bleeding. He checks the door again, all clear. He looks at Jay’s body for a few seconds admiring his handiwork - arms tied above his head, naked torso, scrub pants low on hips - cut on the hip bleeding profusely, cut above eye with blood running down his peacefully unconscious face. But it feels like it’s missing something…what else he can do...then a grin spreads over his face...

Antonio POV

Al and I are in the lobby waiting for Voight. We weren’t able to get any new information from Flen’s apartment. The CSI’s will run prints and check for DNA. Since Voight took the pictures and computer right off the bat, there wasn’t really anything else to do there. We tell Voight all of this when he gets there and he updates us on Jay.

“Will and Dr. Charles talked to Jay and he agreed to the rape kit. Will’s worried about him, which is to be expected, but REALLY worried about him. He said he’s never seen Jay like this before. Where in the past, Jay would normally try to joke or be sarcastic to ease everyone else’s mind, Jay is barely talking and he won’t look anyone in the eye.”

Al chimes in, “Shit…” And that’s all he says, because what else can you say. Jay’s like a son to Al, this is tearing us all up and we are all dealing with in it our own ways.   
Voight continues, “He asked to be sedated when they ran the kit and he didn’t want anyone he knew to do it. Rhodes worked something out. He said he really trusts the Nurse Practitioner that did it and Will seemed relieved at the choice. Dr. Charles also spoke very highly of her, so that was one thing that went our way. They moved him to a private room about an hour ago and Platt has people covering the door round the clock.”

We’re walking down the hall, continuing the discussion we started in the elevator, about how to approach Jay with the questions we need to ask about his abduction, when we notice the guard isn’t by Jay’s door. The discussion forgotten, we run to Jay’s room and are stopped in our tracks by what we see. Voight springs into action first, checking for a pulse while I finally get it together and cut his arms loose. I take in Jay’s body, the blood on his face, on his hip and the heart painted on his chest in blood. I look over at Voight. His own eyes leave Jay’s body and meet mine. I’m sure his rage filled eyes mirror my own. I look around the room then, checking for anything else out of place...besides Jay’s tattered T-shirt laying on the floor. 

“Hank…”

We both follow Al’s line of sight to see what he’s looking at. A toe tag hangs from Jay’s injured foot with one word written on it, “Soon”. With a huff Voight jumps on the coms and tells the team to get the hell down here, not answering questions just repeating the order with more swearing. Al sprints out of the room saying something about “nurse’s station, security and lock down.” I call Will and ask him to come up to the room ASAP in as calm of voice I can so he doesn’t freak out too bad. Then I pick up the covers from Jay’s bed and cover him up. I get lost in the rage that I feel towards Flen and the sadness I feel for my friend. This whole situation is so fucked up. I can’t imagine what this is going to do to Jay’s psyche. How does a person recover from this kind of bullshit. I adjust the blanket over Jay, tucking him in like a child. It’s the only thing I can think of to make him feel safe. It’s the only thing I can do in the moment to make ME feel like I’m helping him. 

I come back to reality, hearing Voight in the hall talking to Platt. “Who the hell did you have on Halstead’s door?” 

“Why what happened?” 

“TRUDY! Who the hell did you have on Halstead’s door!” 

“Baker. Baker relieved Roman a little over an hour ago.” 

“Get Roman back down here and get a hold of Baker.” 

“Got it, Hank.” 

Hank turns to me, “Stay on Jay’s door. Call security and after they have this place locked down, have them start looking for Bakers body. I’m going to head off Will at the nurses station. I want to talk to him before he gets to the room.” 

“Bakers body?” 

“Baker’s good police. He comes from a long line of good police, if he’s not at this door then he’s either injured or dead and given these assholes I’m thinking dead. “

“Fuck! Copy that Sarge.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still don't own anything, well to do with Chicago PD. I own a lot of stuff, too much. I need to have a garage sale! But I digress, here is the next chapter. Sorry for the long delay on this story and my other two. I would suggest to the writers out there to NOT work on three stories at once. It makes my head ajumble!
> 
> Ok. That's the scoop. Please feel free to comment. They are quite inspiring.

FLASHBACK TO JUST AFTER JAY’S ARRIVAL AT MED

WILL’S POV

I had them take off the restraints as soon as they brought Jay into the last bay of the ER. It’s rarely used and I wanted Jay to have as much privacy as possible. Dr. Charles and I are are talking about anything that would qualify as small talk until Jay wakes up. We need Jay to hear familiar voices as he is coming to. Hopefully this will give him a sense of security as he wakes up. 

I have been watching Jay throughout our conversation. I noticed he was coming to a few minutes ago with a nod at Dr. Charles as we continue our conversation. When I know he is awake but still pretending to be asleep, I give it a go and talk to him.

“Jay. Can you open your eyes and look at me?” Nothing. “Jay? I need to talk to you and I’d like you to look at me.” Still nothing. “Come on brother, you’re starting to freak me out.” 

Jay opens his eyes then, takes in Dr. Charles and I but doesn’t look either of us in the eye before turning his head back to the wall.

I want to touch him, to give him a big bear hug and tell him everything will be okay, but I know I can’t touch him. Given the circumstances, that would just scare him, this just makes my heart break a little bit more.

“Jay, I know you don’t want to do this and I wish to God that there wasn’t even a need for it but I need you to let them do the rape kit.”

With the mention of the rape kit his entire body tenses but he still keeps his eyes on the wall.

“Jay…”

A minute or so later he finally turns and looks at me, looks me in the eye. The depth of pain in his eyes almost kills me. It brings me to tears which I immediately I blink away. I don’t get to cry right now. I need to be strong for Jay. There will be time for crying later, when I’m alone. We continue to look at each other until he finally gives me an almost imperceptible nod and then turns away from me, a single tear making its way down his bruised face.

PRESENT TIME

ANTONIO’S POV

The hospital was locked down. The guy was in the wind and Baker was dead. Atwater and Ruzek were going through footage to see if any of the hospital cameras caught anything. 

Voight was somewhere doing something, probably illegal, to catch this guy. I almost feel bad for whatever CI, gangbanger or druggie he is questioning. 

Will is somewhere with Dr. Charles, freaking out.

Erin, Al and I sit by Jay’s bed waiting for him to wake up. Given what we know of the latest attack on Jay and the timeline we have ruled out any sexual assault. Thank God. But his new injuries are showing. His whole left side is bruised from the additional cracked ribs and a new cut surrounded by an angry bruise on his eye brow. His “old” bruises are getting darker and amongst all of this are the new taser burns on his chest covered in a thick layer of burn ointment. Jay’s a mess and we’re all angry…and sad but anger is the dominant emotion in all of us.

Rhodes thought it would be a couple of hours before Jay woke up. According to his blood work there was still ketamine in his system. It looks like the fucker gave him the max you could give someone without killing them. 

JAY - LATER

When he wakes up he doesn’t stir. He has a sheet over him, pulled up to his waist. He feels very exposed and wants so badly to pull it up to his chin and take every blanket he can find and pile it on top. 

He hates that he feels this way. He feels like he should be stronger. He should be telling himself what he tells rape victims but can’t bring himself to do it. One, because he won’t believe it and two, because he doesn’t want to believe the circumstances that such a conversation would be needed.

He can feel them in the room with him, Erin, Antonio and Al. He just wants them to leave. They’ve stopped trying to talk to him and are just “being with him.” That makes him feel even more uncomfortable. Please leave. Or go sit outside my door if you feel like you need to protect me and “be with me” out there. 

He wavers back and forth between shame and guilt…fear and embarrassment…rage and sadness…despair, all of the above…and weak. He feels weak. The feelings are overwhelming and they, Antonio, Al and Erin, are distracting him from his feelings, from his thoughts, which just makes him feel anxious. He feels like he can’t get his footing in the here and now. He needs to figure this out. He needs everything out there to just STOP. 

He squeezes his eyes shut tighter. He can hear the three of them breathing. It is too loud. The occasional announcement over the intercom system, the rattle of the meds cart, the conversations of other people in other rooms are too loud. Someone comes in and adds his own rhythm to their breathing. Not saying anything…Voight. He knows they are all silently communicating but it isn’t silent to him. It is screaming in his ears. 

Ruzek and Atwater arrive and it takes one word to put him over the edge, Ruzek’s “Boss…”. That was as far as Adam got before his dark world starts to spin and his breathing hitches and speeds up. He clenches his eyes tighter if that is even possible. The team doesn’t doesn’t realize it at first but when they do and try to calm him down, it just makes it worse. He can’t breath. His hands clawing at his chest. It feels like an elephant is sitting on it. 

Someone makes the mistake of touching him and all hell breaks loose. He thrashes and screams with what breath he has left. He can’t breathe and he can’t get away from them. His arm makes contact with something, someone? They are all touching him now trying to hold him down so he doesn’t hurt himself which makes him struggle harder. Suddenly he is airborne. He hits the floor with a crash, tipping something over in the process that scratches his side. The momentum of the fall smacks his head into the wall awakening the headache that had finally subsided. The blow to his head stuns him so he calms a little, limbs no longer flailing. He still can’t breathe as he half sits half lays curled in the corner. 

He vaguely hears new voices as other voices back off and it gets quieter. He hears his name and feels a hand lightly touching his chest…for some reason this touch doesn’t freak him out. The touch is accompanied by a soft voice. A voice he knows, a voice he has always trusted. A voice that too many times in his life had been his salvation. He doesn’t know what the voice is saying but it is helping, it is anchoring him, makes him feel safe. 

His breathing is evening out and realizes there is a mask on his face providing him with the oxygen he craves. He continues to breathe as the hand stays on his chest and he starts to understand what Will is saying.

“Come on Jay. That’s it just breathe. You’re okay. Slow breaths. Follow my breathing. It’s okay, You’re okay, brother, I’m here.” When his breathing finally steadies the mask goes away but he continues to tremble under Will’s hand. “I gotcha Jay, I got ya.”

Finally he opens his eyes for what feels like the first time in hours. “Will?”

“Ya, Jay I’m here.” And that’s when the tears start and eventually the silent tears turn to sobs as Will sits on the floor hugging his brother to his chest. 

He was oblivious to everyone but his brother. As soon as he heard him the rest of the world went away. He wasn’t aware of Rhodes ushering the team out in the hall. He wasn’t aware of the pacing or the worried looks at him or the looks they threw at each other. He wasn’t aware of the subtle peeks into the room by various members of the team, desperately wanting to see that Jay was okay. He wasn’t aware when Rhodes cocked his head towards the waiting room and they all left. And he wasn’t aware of Dr. Charles arriving and shutting the door in his wake.

When his sobs lessened and the tears stopped falling, his grip on Will’s shirt finally loosened until his arms fell limply to his sides. Finally passing out from pain and anguish as the adrenaline coursing through his body subsided. Rhodes must have come back into the room at some point because now he was crouched by Will.

“He’s out.” Will gives a slight nod and together with Dr. Charles help, they carefully move Jay’s unconscious body back to the bed. 

“We’re going to have to take him down for a CT. He hit his head pretty hard.” Will just nods as he cleans up Jay’s bleeding arm where he ripped out the IV in his fall and moves to his other arm to put in a new line. 

Giving a nod to Jays side, Rhodes asks, “Does he need stitches?”  
It’s almost like he doesn’t hear Rhodes speaking at first, ”Will…”

“No…no stitches. Steri strips will work. I’ll do it and then we can take him down.”

“Okay…be right back, I’ll let CT know we’re coming.”

Dr. Charles is on the other side of the bed. Fixing Jay’s blankets but focusing more on Will. Will doesn’t say anything but can feel Dr. Charles watching him…trying to figure out what’s going on in his head. You don’t have to be a psychiatrist to figure that out. Will continues to ignore him. Finally, when Jay is situated and ready to be moved, he looks at Dr. Charles, “You’re not going to put him in the psych ward.” He doesn’t say it with anger or even fear. He says it as an “over my dead body” statement.

“Will, I wouldn’t even suggest it. Jay doesn’t need to be in a psych ward. What happened to him was painful and traumatic. He is still in that trauma. Since he was found in that apartment, it has been a continuous cycle of him waking and not knowing where he is or what’s happening over and over, re-traumatizing him each time. He hasn’t been able to get his bearings. The only real conversation that even had a chance to ground him, get him to feel safe, was the 5 minutes we convinced him to do the rape kit. And then we sedated him again for that.” 

Will has been looking at his brother while Dr. Charles talks. But looks up when he finally realizes what he is saying to him.

“What I was going to suggest is, I think you and you only should stay with him until he’s awake, talking to him so your voice is the first thing he hears. This will give him a sense of security before he is even fully awake. There will be no further need for sedatives, so we have a chance to actually talk to him. We need to establish with him that he is safe, that we are here with him and for him. Then he can start healing.

“Okay. Okay, thanks.”

Rhodes comes back in, “We good?”

Will, looks down at his brother, resting his hand on his head for a moment. “Ya, let’s go.” 

The three of them wheel Jay down to CT. With a nod to both doctors, Dr. Charles leaves them, heading into the waiting room to talk to the members of Intelligence.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait. Please be patient with me.
> 
> Spoiler alert for season 6 Chicago Crossrover:  
> Anyone watch episode 2 of season 6 in the Chicago Fire, Med, PD crossover? Good emotional Jay whump in the Med episode. Great Jay whump in the PD episode! But once again the writers let us whumpers down...no fantastic after care like we see in these stories, injuries not as bad as they looked. Oh woe, woe is me. But some is better than nothing right?!

Erin POV 

 

“Guys…” Dr. Charles enters as Will and Conner continue on with Jay. He pulls up a chair and moves it closer to where we are all silently freaking out in the corner. “They’re taking Jay down for a CT,” he must see the look on my face because he speaks directly to me, “Just a precaution. Jay had a panic attack. Will and I talked and we’ve come up with a plan that I feel is the best course of action. So, for the time being, we’ll only have Will in Jay’s room…” He pauses. I think he was expecting a fight from us but we’re all a little shellshocked at what just happened. “We think it would be better if there is, for lack of a better word and given the situation, less stimulation when he wakes up.” We all nod. It’s not that we have much say in the matter. As much as I want to be in there with Jay, I get it. I just want him to feel safe.

Dr. Charles pulls a Dr. Charles, “Okay, that said, onward…How are you all doing, is there anything I can do for you?”

No one says anything, Al looks around the group but that is all the answer Dr. Charles gets from us, until Adam speaks up.

“I don’t know how to be,” he looks at all of us, I’m not sure if it’s embarrassment at the question or hope for support in it but he continues, “with Jay. I don’t know what to say or how to be. I don’t know how to help him and I don’t want to fuck up, sorry, I don’t want to screw anything up and say something that will upset him.” I think Ruzek might have hit on something we’re all feeling, although by the looks of it, some us didn’t know we were feeling this way.

“Just be yourself. I think that’s all Jay would want. Follow his lead with the conversation. For now, I would especially avoid the topic unless he brings it up.”

Voight states the obvious, “We’ll need to talk to him for the case.”

“I understand that but we’re going to have to take a different tact where Jay is concerned. For most sexual assault victims it’s hard to talk about what happened. Where Jay is concerned there will be an added discomfort since he knows you, you are his colleagues, his family. Let’s cross that bridge when we come to it. I’ll check back in with you in a bit. If you need anything, my door is always open.”

“Sexual assault victim…” I mumble. It’s too much. I pull my knees up to my chest, burying my face in them and let out the quiet sobs that I can’t hold in anymore. 

 

\- - - - - - -

WILL POV

I’m sitting here staring at my brother, desperately waiting for him to wake up but at the same time feeling trepidation for what Jay will have to face when he is awake, both physically and mentally. I’ve been sitting here almost two hours. His CT was clear. We’re thinking he has a pretty bad concussion but won’t really know how bad until he wakes up.

So, here I sit, feeling like I’m going to puke, trying not to think of what he might’ve gone through but no matter how hard I try to think of something else, my mind still goes back to those thoughts. That’s what I’m going through. I can’t imagine what this is going to do to Jay when he is finally awake for good and not constantly sedated. 

Jay’s eyes start to flutter as he finally starts to wake. When he finally opens his eyes it’s with a wince. His eyes are sensitive to the bright lights. God, how could I be so stupid. He’s got a fucking concussion and I don’t think to turn off the overhead lights. I rush to turn off the lights with a ‘sorry bro’ but he stops me.

“No don’t!” 

I sputter out, “Ya, okay, sorry,” as I go and sit back down.

He closes his eyes and sighs. He is picking at the tape covering the IV in his hand. I want to tell him to stop but his hand is trembling and I don’t want him to know I noticed. Actually, I’m not sure if he is even aware of it.

I don’t really know what else to say. I can’t ask him how he’s doing. One look at his bruised and battered body can tell me that. He’s got a pretty bad concussion from his flight off the bed, as well as the beating he took when that asshole got into his room.   
I can’t ask him how he is doing mentally because I’m sure that pain runs deeper than any physical injury ever could. So, I stare at him with a tight smile. Nothing I say can comfort him or help him.

Since I don’t know what to do, and feel like an idiot, I switch to Doctor mode. I need to check on his concussion.

“You’ve got a pretty nasty concussion, bud. I need to check how bad, so bear with me.” He doesn’t give me the eye roll I was expecting and I guess, hoping for. Instead he just looks at me and sighs. I guess that will have to do for now.

I pull out my pen light and turn it on, “I know for sure this is going to suck but it’s gotta be done.” Again, no response. He just, once again, acquiesced to my request. I would give anything for him to be the stubborn, sarcastic, sometimes asshole, I know and love.

I shine the light in his eyes and he winces but keeps them open. “Are you dizzy? I know you have a headache, but are you nauseous, ringing in your ears?” I didn’t realize until right now, that I’m not even sure he knows who I am. God, my stupid is palpable.

“Jay, do you know who I am?”

“My brother. Will.”

Okay. THIS FUCKING SUCKS! There were so many awesomely sarcastic answers he could have given me. I can’t do this. He has a concussion, we’ll monitor it regardless of how bad it is. Wake him up every two hours, watch for cognitive decline, etc. I can’t handle this.

I sit back down. “You have a concussion. We’ll have to wake you up every two hours.” 

I’m not sure how long we sit there in silence. He is mostly looking at the corner of the ceiling or his hands laying in his lap. He seems fine with the silence. I am internally freaking out. But then again, maybe he is too, probably he is too. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do. I am so profoundly sad. 

I try not to choke up but fail, “I love you.”

He finally looks at me and sighs, “I know. I love you too.”

I can tell Jay wants to ask me something and I think I know what it is. But I’m too much of a chicken shit to broach the subject. Jay interrupts my thoughts with the question I knew he was struggling to ask.

“You did a rape kit?”

“Ya, we don’t have the results yet. How much do you remember,” I notice the look on his face, “from when you got to the hospital?”

He doesn’t say anything, just looks up at the corner of the room. I can’t tell what he’s thinking.

“Nothing really…nothing…” He trails off and looks at the corner of the ceiling again.

“Jay I…”

“I need to talk to Voight.” 

I’m a bit stunned so I just sit there. “Uh, ya sure.” 

I’m almost at the door when he clarifies his statement.

“Just Voight.”

“Okay bud, I’ll get him.” Before I walk out, I add, “I’ll be in the waiting room if you need anything,” but he’s already focused on his corner again. 

\- - - - - - -

I head down to the waiting room where all of Intelligence is waiting. No one notices that I’ve entered until I clear my throat, “Voight,” everyone seems to sit up in attention for any news I might share. I give them a slight smile of support but also as an apology.

“Jay wants to see you.” Voight gets up and heads to Jay’s room, ignoring the confused looks of the rest of the team. I’m sure all of them are thinking the same thing as me, that Voight seems like the last person Jay would want to see. I sit down next to Erin and give her hand a squeeze. 

 

\- - - - - - -

VOIGHT POV

I pause in the door a sec giving him a chance to notice me. When his eyes finally look in my direction, I walk in and take a seat. I know I can’t be anything but honest. It’s the reason I’m sitting here instead of anyone else. He knows I’ll tell the truth and won’t sugarcoat anything.

“What’s up kid?”

He doesn’t answer but looks at me, chewing his lip for a second and then asks a question of his own in the strongest voice he can manage given the circumstances. 

“There was a camera?”

“Yeah, he had a video camera on a tripod.”

“There’s video?” 

“Downloaded onto a computer. There’s also pictures, hard copy.”

“Pictures,” he closes his eyes as he pauses the conversation, then looks at me with steel in his eyes, “I want to see them. The pictures, video.”

I look at him trying to assess his mental status. I saw how he asked the question with steel but I also saw that waver to fear and back again. 

“Ok, I’ll be right back.” 

I give him a last look from the door. He’s closed his eyes and I can tell he is trying to get control of his breathing.

\- - - - - - -   
I walk back into the waiting room and everyone is looks at me in expectation. I ignore them and head over to Al, nodding towards the leather bag he has been holding since we got Jay out of the apartment. Only Al, Mouse, Dawson and I know what’s in it. Only Mouse and I have watched the video and only I have looked at all of the pictures. I catch Erin’s eye as I grab the bag and make to leave. She is pissed and doesn’t want to be kept out of the loop but she’s just going to have to sit there and wait with the rest of them. I realize she wants the information so she knows how she can help Jay. But as much as I love her, I really don’t give a rats ass what she wants right now, there is some information that isn’t mine to tell. What Jay wants and or needs is my only concern at this moment. 

When I leave the waiting room and see Dr. Charles at the nurses station, I give a nod towards Jay’s room, he fall’s in beside me and plants himself just down from Jay’s room in case he’s needed. I hesitate at the door trying to see where Jay is mentally. He’s just lying there with his eyes closed, breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth. I’m not sure if he’s on the brink of having a panic attack or if he’s just trying to get ahead of the possibility of one. He doesn’t open his eyes until I’m almost to the bed. He looks me in the eye before his attention settles on the bag.

“You sure you want to do this kid?” He doesn’t answer me, just nods towards the bag. I let out a sigh and raise the head of the bed so he is sitting up a bit more. I stop when he winces but Jay just huffs and holds the button until he is sitting up all the way. I know what he’s doing. Even though the pain is written all over his face from sitting up so straight, it’s not as vulnerable position as lying down almost flat on your back. 

I let out another long sigh and get the pictures out of the bag, hesitating, hoping he’ll change his mind. He gives me a hard look so I hand him the pictures. I guess he knows what I’m doing. He takes a couple of deep breaths and starts to go through them one by one. I’ve gone through those pictures a couple of times myself. I know what he’s seeing, so I look at him instead of the pictures. He’s trying to be stoic but failing miserably. He wavers between fear and shame. I’m sure the fear is of what the next picture will show. Watching Jay do this just kindles the rage I feel at Flen. He goes through them once, hands trembling more and more with each picture. Then again, until he can't hold them and they fall from his hands onto his lap. 

He crosses his arms against his chest, hands in fists to stop them from shaking. He squeezes his eyes shut, head down. I want to comfort him, give his shoulder a squeeze so he knows I'm here for him but I know I can't touch him. Instead, I sit back down in the chair and wait, letting him make the first move.

He finally looks at me and his face is filled with rage. 

“Where are the rest?”

There are no pictures of sexual assault of any nature. Jay’s wondering where those pictures are and is pissed that I would dare keep them from him. There are none. There is video of the kid getting the shit beat out of him, of him being tormented by Flen, of Jay laying on the floor in various states of undress. It’s obvious that the pictures are frames directly from the video.   
Most of the video consists of Jay being tortured, tasered and beaten. He’s out of it for most of the video, either passing out from the torture, panic attacks or the Ketamine. There are 3 or 4 times when Jay comes to, only to become awake enough to have a panic attack and pass out again when he couldn’t get control of his breath. 

There are countless times on the video when he is tasered into unconsciousness or beaten until he passes out. It looked like the camera was continuously recording. Mouse couldn’t find any cuts. The video itself doesn’t show any sexual assault. The only thing close to or leaning towards the eventuality of it, would be when Flen would run a finger over Jay’s chest or down his neck or lay a hand on his chest, at one point running his hand up his leg. But those touches were always followed by an injection of what we believe was Ketamine, or at least that is what was in his system when we first found him and was then used again by the asshole in his room. 

“That’s all there is kid…I swear.”

“Bullshit. I want to see the rest. I want to see the video.” He’s angry but there is desperation in his tone.

“I’m telling you straight Jay. Those are the only pictures and they are frames taken directly from the video. Mouse is going through the video frame by frame as we speak.”

He winces at that, then stares at me. Wanting to believe me. 

“There’s a reason why I’m in here with you and not anyone else, right? You know I’m not going to bullshit you, that I won’t sugarcoat anything. If there were more pictures they would have been in that stack.”

He continues to stare at me. “Okay…when Mouse is done I want to see the video.”

I sigh. On any other day, the kid’s usual stubborn streak would’ve drove me nuts, today though, I’m happy to see it. 

Jay goes back to looking at the ceiling until he finally succumbs to exhaustion and falls asleep. I stay there for awhile watching him, noticing the occasional wince or how his eyes dart back and forth under his eyelids. I have my suspicions or I guess you could say, my hope, of what was really happening here but want to wait until Mouse is done going through the video again and the results of the rape kit come back. My bet though, is that there wasn’t any rape, but Flen wanted him to think so. I think Flen’s ultimate goal was perpetrating a major mind fuck on Jay and he succeeded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even though Jay wasn't raped, he was sexually assaulted. The unwanted, non consensual touching in a sexual way is sexual assault. Not any less traumatic, although at times there is relief that there was no rape. For every person the trauma will vary. There are really good articles on the internet defining sexual assault/sexual abuse/rape/sexual harassment. Being a sexual abuse/rape survivor myself, I am writing from some experience but my experience and feelings are my own, although others may share them. For me, time heals all wounds but that doesn't mean there isn't scar tissue and sometimes scar tissue hurts like a bitch but it passes. I love who I am today and all of the experiences in my life, good and bad, have brought me to this point. You're not alone.
> 
> ok, that's all I have to say about that.


	6. Chapter 6

Hey Guys,  
Just wanted to let you know that I will be revising this whole story. Or deleting it and reposting it within the next week or so. I can't end it the way I wanted given what I wrote in the first couple of chapters so I need to change quite a bit for it to work. And plus I didn't like some of the stuff. I'm not sure how it works doing this revision stuff but maybe subscribe to me (maybe that's what you already do...hmmmm) and not just the story so you can get the new version. This dang thing has been the bane of my existence but I am liking the revision so far and hope you will too. I appreciate your patience. Your support and comments and your own works have inspired me. So thank you!


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